Macarbe Dancer's Requim

A completely In Character Tumblr Dedicated to my .Hack// based Character.
There will be images of her from various artists, posts about her past, present events, Thoughts and emotions. I have had this Character for 8 years. Please do not steal any of the content in this Blog.

To see Evilteenietiff in action visit www.dothack.org.au

You’re a True friend…

When one door closes, another opens.

That’s how you came into it Fayt.

Those months I waited for Arcadeus?
You stood by me, merry and cheerful you stated something akin to,

"Well I have nothing better to do."

"The World doesn’t have any predetermined goals or any finale so I can do what I want with my time here."

"What else are friends for?" 

Months, Fayt. Not hours or days, months.
You stuck by me for months, always offering words of encouragement. 

There was no true sadness between us.

You disappeared, it hurt.

I waited, but did not let my heart falter.

Till the very last moment I saw you. You held my hand, guided me.

I had clouded my judgement of you, blind to the wonderous times and instead, only seeing the hurt of abandonment. I only saw a repeated action of Arcadeus.

In your absence I had found another and managed to move on with my life. Heh, I suppose you could call me the harlot or perhaps temptress of ‘The World’ huh? So feverishly moving onto the next who would mark my heart.

I guess I was lonely, weak. I held such a strong façade one of the highest levelled players in The World. Some expected great things of me, I wanted to live up to them.

Sometimes, I replay those last moments in my head. It was at the Integral Ball. That one night, everything goes back to that one night, the night I saw you for the last time, the night I was with Dragon and the night I had left everything to follow a false God…Epsilon.

I was distracted and you had approached me with arms wide open. Despite the time we were apart you still cared for me greatly I could tell by the elation of your voice and the way your eyes lit up. You asked for a dance, I told you I was with another and you know the funny thing?

Your smile didn’t falter.

I don’t know what you were feeling inside, but your smile stayed fast and true. You congratulated me and held me, apologizing for your absence. I admit, despite my feelings for Dragon I felt a little guilty, because amongst all the bile of humanity you seemed like an innocent child. 

I guess my impression of you was wrong as you let me go your face took on a look of concern and worry, your grip probably tightened, I imagined it did. But hey, we were in a game such things cannot be felt right?

You told me you were going away, far far away. Bad people were after you and you trusted me with important documentation. You gave me your address, and told me to retrieve them and that another you trusted would retrieve them from me. I agreed and that, was the last I saw of you…Fayt.

It’s  been a few years since then, I still have those documents you know.
Some are covered in dust hidden in a box beneath the floorboards. A guilty pleasure of mine? Retrieving them and holding them fast to myself.

Why?

Because I like to believe that faint scent, reminiscent of hickory…is you. Sure my feelings of longing and love are long gone, but I miss you Fayt.

Part of me, wants your informant to come, so I can hold true for my word. Another never wants that to happen.

So I may forever hold onto a memento of you, of us and the time we shared. 

Suicide - by hania (ID: 103942)
hania
Newgrounds Audio Portal - http://www.newgrounds.com/audio

 Suicide - Hania

You are the pain in my throat
When you are near me I choke
Everything round me screaming ‘Stop don’t do it!’
You are the hurt in my heart
Every time I try to start
Everything round me screaming ‘Stop or lose it!’

I try to run but I don’t
I try to hide on my own
I really do try to die but I’m scared
To ruin your life and mine
Hit two birds in one straight line
I really do try to die somewhere.

You have your hands tipped with blades
When you hold me I’m afraid
Of being cut but then I guess I’d be free
If you weren’t human I’d tense
Cause then all this would make sense
I’d know what everything was telling me!

I try to win but I lose
There’s no real end I can choose
To be let free without suicide

So now I’m just gonna do
What I can try to get through
It’s now the start of a life long ride

You are the cramp in my side
You jab at me like a knife
Everything round me screaming ‘Stop don’t do it!’
My mind’s made up with a choice
For once I’m using my voice
Everything round me praising ‘Please keep with it!’

I try to win but I lose
There’s no real end I can choose
To be let free without suicide

So now I’m just gonna do
What I can try to get through
It’s now the start of a life long ride

I try to run but I don’t
I try to hide on my own
I really do try to die but I’m scared
To ruin your life and mine
Hit two birds in one straight line
I really do try to die somewhere.

"Everyone…I’m sorry. I failed as a Guild Leader, as an Administrator of The World. As, a human being. What do I now wander The Virtual World as….?"

I Haven’t forgotten, I don’t think I ever will…

"…Arcadeus…."

Our first meeting…
It would have been almost five years ago now, wouldn’t it?

We were kids then, barely out of our teen years. It was truly just a game back then.

Fighting monsters, leveling, it was all so simple. There were no dramas, no complications.

Perhaps this is why I still cling to those days. Those wisps of emotional ties we shared.

What did we call it? Oh yeah, Love.
Was that what we had? 

Call me foolish…but, I think, I want to believe that is what it was. Why? Because it was innocent, pure. Neither of us demanded anything from the other except for a smile an embrace. What we had, it set the standard for all I expected of the future.

I hated you for that.

You disappeared. Stole my light. I called out, I waited.

I waited and waited. For months, in the exact spot you held my hand.
The place where you lightly brushed the hair from my face, whispered rose promises of burning sun. The bridge, the Mac Anu bridge. A symbol I would later learn to hate within The World.

The pain is everlasting.

I stood tall and strong, but inside I crumbled. How much could my mind suffer? each day, each day there was something more, rumours of your return, your friends coming to me to ask where you had gone. They all turned their backs as slowly, one by one, I was left with nothing.

I was foolish to wait for you. And even more foolish, when you returned.

It was not long before The World formed into it’s R:2 Era.

You, you came back.

The timing, impeccable. My heart ached, wrenched from its safe haven. I had torn others apart, before silencing myself. Somewhere deep inside I cried. The shadows of past seeping out of the prison I had once encased them in. The pain I had caused…None of it mattered! You, you of all people! You had returned!
I thought you died…

I ran to you, and yet I found….nothing…

You treated me not as a warm memory from the past but as an eyesore. Your eyes, your cerulean eyes brimming with mixed emotions. That smile, that heart melting warm smile hardened into a grim line…

I felt jealous..I watched from afar as you spoke with her, with Zora. Your smile, it was just as I remembered. So why, why could I not have that smile? Did I repulse you that much?

You spoke, whisking me away to a field. Luring me in with an outstretched hand.

I held my hand out towards you, but all I felt was just… air…

"Come closer!"

I cry, frozen tears in my eyes, begging for the warmth of your voice. 

"Come Closer!"
"Come Closer!" 
"Please….Come Closer!" 

Just, just one more step…offer your hand, your sincerity. Please save me.”

You turned your back.
Your words, of standing tall in soliloquy solitude. Arcadeus, you meant well right?
Wanting to help me? To push me forward?

Arcadeus…I want you to know… I died that instant.


I never wanted to die…

Artwork (c) PKingSora

'Hold your Heart Close, Just As I Do!'

(c) PKingSora 2008

Lord Epsilon, Oh how I blindly followed you

Kiseichu he called me ‘Kiseichu…once’  

Epsilon, the Sovereign of Destiny, at least…that’s what he called himself.
Why did I approach him in the first place? It was so long ago now.

I had no desire for power,
nor did I care what his intentions were.
Yet, one fateful night, one celebratory ball. I had stepped into his domain, offering myself to him.

And he, like the prowling demon he was had welcomed me with open arms, fangs bared and claws at the ready.



It was then, I had something to fight for to protect. My dearest Dragon. Yes..
Epsilon promised his safety if I were to serve him.

At some point, I had lost myself completely. My memories and emotions lost.
To this day I still do not know how, perhaps it was a form of hypnotism. Perhaps, it’s what I secretly wanted, a cure to the pain and madness of reality. A numbing escape.

It’s how he controlled me, I was so blind to it all, to the pain I was causing. Oh how pitifully selfish I was. I was worried about my pain, and in turn, Lord Epsilon’s pain.

He held my hand, tightly in his and I with hazy dull eyes believed everything he had to say. I could not feel his grasp within ‘The World’ yet I had longed for it. He told me to go out, to destroy Dragon and to move forward with himself instead. This, is how I was marked, the symbol of Epsilon.

Just as The World and its inhabitants, the Anomalies that rampaged began to meet their Crescendo…

Just as it was all about to fall into place…

It had ended… 

Again, I do not remember much of this experience. There was a blinding crimson flash, no, a series of them. As Epsilon spoke of planting seeds of The World being reborn. I think, I was gated out at that point, perhaps I even passed out from exhaustion in front of my PC. I was groggy, and so very disorientated for days, weeks after the event transpired.

I don’t know where he is now, nor if he will ever return.
If he did, I have no doubt in my mind, I would still call him Lord Epsilon.

However, I would have the strength to stand on my own two feet.
No longer, would I be a puppet. 


                                                                         I want my life back                                                                         I want my life back                                                                   I want my life how it used to be..                                                                            Completely free.

                                                                         I want my life back
                                                                         I want my life back
                                                                   I want my life how it used to be..
                                                                            Completely free.

"Let me into your mind…Let me into your mind..Let me into, let me in you…"